Needing Pain
by Snow crystal skies
Summary: Petra's father talked to Levi when the Scouting Regiment came home but when He sees Eren Jaeger, the known Titan Shifter his daughter was in charge of protecting, he just had to talk to him! Sadly, things don't go as planned when he finds out about Petra and takes out his daughter's death on a emotionally numb Eren.


**just an idea I came up with while watching Petra's father talk to Levi. Which, you know, kinda tore out my heart. This is my first SNK/AOT fan fiction too. **

**Anyway, here we go! **

***inserts disclaimer* I don't own Attack on Titan.**

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"Are there fewer than this morning?"

"Yeah, way fewer."

"Another failed mission, ya think?"

"Most likely, can't trust these people to do anything right."

"Where's my son?! Does anyone see him? Richard! Richard!"

Eren didn't want to but he listened. He listened to the angry people. He listened to the pitying people. He even listened to the mourning people who were screaming and crying out their pain. He didn't want to, he had heard these sounds all his life, this was the first time those noises were directed at _him _though.

The titan shifter lay on his back, staring up at the moving sky above him with dull green eyes, tops of building moving into his vision every once and awhile. His chest hurt. So did his feet, and his arms, and his legs, and his head. Everything hurt. Even his soul hurt.

He blinked, the voices of the crowd mixing with the sorrowful murmuring of the Scouting Regiment. He couldn't really make out what was being said expect for the few brave ones who rose their voice above the crowd, and shouted their opinion before hiding in the mass of people again.

Eren was slowly aware of the warm hand that held his own. The grip was gentle but firm, as if to make sure he was still there and not going to vanish.

With effort, Eren turned his head to see Mikasa next to him, looking down as to not make eye contact with anyone around her. Eren's small movement was enough to catch her attention and he watched as haunted grey/blue eyes fell on his face. Mikasa gave Eren one of her usual small smiles but this one fled her face faster than normal. That was the only sign that she was as distraught at the rest of them. Giving his hand a little squeeze, Mikasa returned to her silent guarding of her last living family member.

"Ug, I hate all these so called soldiers. This is where all our tax money goes to: fat, lazy ass cowards who think they can take all our money and repay us by just going on a little outing."

A familiar fire sprung to life in Eren's heart and he clenched his teeth as his eyes sharpened in his anger. Surprised by the sudden emotion, Eren clung to it desperately. How dare they. How _dare _they. No one in that crowd knew what they were talking about! They had no - freakin - idea! More than half the people out there have never even seen a titan and here they were complaining about people who are willing to die - and _did - _keep these pigs safe?!

Eren felt a hand on his chest and looked over at Mikasa who was trying to put his raising body back down.

"Don't." Mikasa whispered in her quiet, breathy voice. "Bare with it, Eren, you need to rest."

Rest? How could he rest when a group of people were sprouting lies while they were safely tucked away in their stone circle?! Eren opened his mouth to argue his case before his fire died out when a voice spoke over the crowd. It was totally different and extremely out of place in the mournful atmosphere, it sounded. . . . happy.

"Captain Levi!"

With a groan and many painful shiftings, Eren was able to see the front of the cart where Captain Levi was walking the horses. A man was standing next to the small soldier and Eren's heart almost stopped beating when he recognized the happy hazel eyes and warm smile.

"My daughter Petra is in your squad! She sent me a letter telling me how you respected her abilities enough to give her a place. She seems pretty moon-eyed over you to care what her father thinks. . ."

Those words seemed to physically hurt Eren. Every syllable was a punch more painful than anything the Female Titan could produce. The captain said nothing as all this was going on, he kept his grey eyes forward but there were enough shadows on his face for even Eren to see the pain he was feeling.

After chatting happily, completely oblivious to the aura Levi was giving off, Petra's father turned to face the rest of the Regiment marching after Levi, probably looking for a daughter that was never coming back home. Eren stared at hazel eyes that seemed to belong to Petra herself, his own green orbs widening and his mouth letting out a strangled cry at the sight.

He wasn't expecting those eyes to meet his.

Practically skipping his way over to the side of Eren's cart, Perta's father walked along side the trembling titan shifter. "You're the one who can turn into a titan, right? Eren Jaeger?"

Then name and the word 'titan' drew the attention of the people standing near by, both in the Regiment and in the crowd. Eyes darted to Eren and he could feel them boring into his body, as if waiting for it to transform into a 15 meter class cannibal.

Mikasa looked at the man with her usual poker face and Eren saw Levi turn his head slightly to watch the two. Eren swallowed the lump that resided in his throat and nodded weakly, "yes. . ."

The man's hazel eyes lit up and the people around him started to murmur some more, this time with more urgency and the use of Eren's name. He wanted nothing more than to do just as Mikasa had said and lie back down. He wasn't usually like this but. . . this experience was completely different from anything he had ever been through.

"Then you must know my daughter!" The man cried. Loudly, too. "Do you know Petra?"

Eren barely had the will power to answer this overly happy father. "Yes."

The man gave a great laugh and kept walking along side Eren's cart even though the titan shifter would give anything for the man with the hazel eyes to go away.

"She writes about you, you know. She thinks you can help humanity and that you are a good person, ha ha certainly good a cleaning I've heard!"

Eren looked at this man, hoping for him to see his tortured expression. Willing him to see how much this conversation was hurting him.

"I'm not, sir. At least I don't think I am anymore." Eren whispered, his gaze unable to leave those bright hazel eyes.

"Ha ha, not what? Not good at cleaning?" He was still laughing. How can he laugh? Can't he tell? Can't he see whats going on?

"I don't think I'm a good person, sir."

He could see Mikasa flinch out of the corner of his eye and the heads of the people near his cart swirling around to look at him. Levi turned to look forward though, his head slightly downward. He was still listening.

The smile left the man's face as he bent down and grabbed hold of Eren's right hand. The titan shifter jumped at the touch and pain laced through his body as Petra's father held tightly to the hand that showed the price of the titan transformations.

"You listen to me, son." The man said, his sounded so much like his daughter...'_have faith in us, Eren.'. . . "_My daughter is an excellent judge of character even if she can be a bit cautious at times. If she thought you were good then she thought that with her heart and soul. At least part of you has to be good for her to believe it so."

Eren looked down at their joined hands and gently slid his out. "After today, sir, I don't think she thinks that anymore. . ."

He could feel Mikasa's sad grey eyes quiver and he could hear she nearly silent voice. "Eren."

"Why do you say that, son?"

Eren winched he would stop saying that. He wished he would just go away and have some other soldier tell him. There was a small group of people walking along his cart, wanting to hear this. Or maybe because he can turn into a titan and they want more confirmation of his evilness.

"Because. . ." Eren swallowed yet another lump. Why couldn't he talk? Usually he had trouble keeping his opinion to himself. Why couldn't he say it? Why was this so hard? "Because. . . It. . . It was my fault. . ."

"Eren." Mikasa said again, a little louder this time. A warning.

The man's eyebrows came together over those horrible hazel eyes and he looked down at the boy he saw shaking in front of him. "What was your fault?"

He didn't get it?! How could he not get it? Did Eren really have to spell it all out for him? Why did he always have to do this? Why was he forever doomed to an endless life of pain and sorrow?!

"that she . . . " Eren took a deep breath, forcing the poisonous words out of his mouth. "That she died . . ."

The ground slamming against his back was the first thing he felt. Not the sadness of his words or a tear from Perta's father, which he was expecting. He didn't feel anything, just physical pain. But it had always been pain, hadn't it? Eren gasped for breath as all the air was shoved out of his lungs, his chest rising of the ground in his efforts to resupply. A shoe was there to meet him and he was shoved back into the ground again. Voices filled his ears and another boot kicked his side, forcing him to face away from the new attacker onto his side. Another foot filled his vision and he cried out as his nose was pushed flat against the face with a loud snap. Blood flowed out of his nose, over his lips and across his cheeks.

"Eren!"

That sounded like Mikasa and Eren tried to raise himself up to meet her but was pushed back into the ground as soon as he got to his knees. Now flat on his stomach, Eren looked through dulled green eyes to see just a mass of feet. His right hand ended up being trapped underneath another shoe, this one with a heel, and he could feel the cheap wood push through his skin like a needle. Another crack sounded and Eren cried out again.

He could hear people calling his name but he could mostly hear the townspeople cussing at him and yelling at him. He felt their spit and felt their kicks and punches. Felt their hatred. But he endured it. He deserved it after all. He didn't try and stop the blows raining down on him even though he knew he could. He didn't shout back at he angry mob even though he usually would have.

No, for the first time in his life Eren Jaeger laid down and took it.

Hands then started to pull him in different directions. A hand grabbed hold of his cloak and pulled on his hood until he started choking. At the strangled sound, the people were encouraged and they yanked harder.

Eren was flipped onto his back by the endless pulling and more hands reach out for him, snagging his shirt and pulling at his shoes and pants. He heard the clothes tear and he felt someone steal his left boot. After a while the cape too was ripped away and then hands slid under his arms and they pulled him away.

"Release him!"

"Eren! Where are you!"

"oh shit! Eren!"

The titan shifter could hear his friends calling out to him. He thought he could see them pushing people aside to try and find him in the chaos. He was pretty sure he could hear swords being drawn before Erwin told them to put them away.

But he stayed silent. He deserved whatever he got.

Another foot connected with his face and Eren choked before he could spit out the shattered remains of a tooth. Rocks dug into his back as he was scrapped across the rough ground and more spittle flew at his face. Eren just closed his half lidded eyes and relaxed his pain filled body.

"EREN!" Someone screamed.

Mikasa, there wasn't any doubt. She was scared. She knew he was being hurt but she couldn't find him. Eren wanted to call out to her to tell her it was going to be okay but he voice refused to work.

Another hand lashed out and his face snapped to the side as his cheek stung harshly. A foot came down on his stomach and Eren gasped and curled inward ever so slightly.

Someone had a knife. He didn't know who but it slashed across his cheek and it penetrated his arm. Eren winced but didn't cry out. He was being dragged away, the voices were getting fainter. Pain suddenly flared in his left hand but he didn't really pay attention to it. His chin just bumped against his chest and he was dragged off. His kidnapper stopped short though.

"Release him."

Eren opened his eyes slowly. He knew that calm voice. He lifted his head until he could see Captain Levi standing in front of Petra's father who had his hands under Eren's bruised arms.

At his voice the crowd around them stilled and looked over to see what was going on.

Eren's bandage was hanging in front of his left eye, having been unraveled in all the chaos, and his head wound started bleeding again, blood slowly trailing down his face and curling around his blank eyes.

He watched as Mikasa and Armin appeared out of the crowd and made to run at him but Levi raising his hand to stop them. Armin froze instantly but Mikasa took a few steps forward before stopping slowly, as if she was debating whether or not to follow the order.

"Release him." Levi repeated.

Eren felt something drip onto his face and looked up to see tears falling down upon him.

Petra's father was crying.

"I can't do that, Captain Levi." The man said in a shaky voice, Eren felt his hands trembling.

The titan shifter slumped in the man's grip not fighting to get out even though all he had to do was stand up. Instead he looked down at himself. He was bleeding a lot and his shirt was ripped all the way from its' collar to Eren's navel. There was a long tear in Eren's pants that came all the way up to his knee and there was a rock imbedded in the sole of his foot. He saw his discarded boot resting a little ways away from him. He could see his cloak too. It was near some lady's foot. And in that man's hand. Also resting under that horse's hoof. Some of it stuck in a tree over head.

Eren also saw a finger lying in a small puddle of blood a little ways off. Looking down at his hands he noticed his left intex finger was missing and that blood gushed out of the stump joyfully. Eren didn't care that much though, it would probably grow back later.

". . . killed my daughter, Captain. I want revenge!"

Eren was slowly dragged back into the conversation. He was surprised when he found a knife against his throat but he just sighed against the cold metal.

"And if he decides to transform into a titan? That little knife isn't going to do you much good." Levi said, showing no emotion but looked a little bored.

Petra's father suddenly dropped Eren onto the ground and raised the boy's hands. Eren's mind, a little numb from the impact, suddenly screamed out in pain which then crawled up his throat and forced out of Eren's mouth. His arms suddenly fell against the ground and he felt blood on his face, he could taste it in his mouth.

Oh.

He knew what happened.

"The kid's just gonna have to find a new spot to make himself transform. Maybe I can help him with that, Captain."

"EREN!" Twin yells rang out as Mikasa had to be held back by Armin and the townspeople shifted, horrified. This wasn't how their game was supposed to go. Swords reflected sunlight and he saw them in the hands of his friends. Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Krista, Connie. . .they all looked so angry. So horrified.

There was a soft squishing sound near Eren's ear and he turned to see both his hands lying on top of each other in a bloody pool not unlike his finger. His right hand was covered in bite marks and bruises and his left had a digit missing. The sight of them both severed from the rest of him was enough to make blue rise up in his throat.

Levi just blinked slowly at the bloody bruised form of Eren Jaeger. His eyes suddenly flashed and he turned his attention back to Perta's father. "That's why you're doing this. You want the brat to feel the pain you feel. You want him to hate you as much as you hate him. This isn't even about revenge. You just want a reaction instead of the nothing he's giving you."

That was it? Eren panted on the ground, his arms stretched out on either side of him. He couldn't feel even if he tried. He was numb. Cold.

The man's hazel eyes quivered and his face darkened as his lips drew back in a snarl. He swung around and dragged Eren off the ground to that they were eye to bloody eye. Eren's feet didn't touch the ground and his shirt ripped a little more as Petra's father gripped the front tight.

"I think you're right, Captain." He said and he pulled back his arm and punched Eren hard in the face. Eren coughed up another tooth and he spit the bloody piece onto the ground.

"Why." Petra's father threw him on the ground, Eren bounced a few times before comingto a rest and the crowds' feet.

"Won't." The angry man stomped down on Eren's ankle, issuing a loud crack out of it. Eren flinched.

"You." Eren was kicked to the other side of the clearing the mob made for them.

"Fight." Eren was picked up but his hair. His bloody wrists flew to his hair out of instinct but he didn't have hands to relieve the pressure.

"Back?!" Petra's father screamed in Eren's face, the titan shifter ending up covered in spit.

Eren tried to wipe away the spit but lack hands to do so. Instead he just opened his eyes. He blinked a few times, black stars tried to dominate his vision. But when he did see hsaw something far worse than any beating. He saw the pain of losing a loved one in Geary eyes. He then gave the man in front of him the only answer he had:

"Because I deserve it."

Before Eren knew what was happening he was enveloped on a bloody, sweaty hug. Perta's father clung to him, his large hands curling in the remains of Eren's shirt and the titan shifter raised his arms after and while and hugged him back, the blood still pumping put of his wrists running down the man's back. Usually Eren would do that. Hugging someone who just beat you up was more of an Armin thing than a Eren thing but he did it anyway. Because he knew. He knew what it was like to have so much grief you had to take it out on someone else. Eren needed to feel pain anyway.

He hadn't felt anything sense waking up. He _needed _it.

The poor man cried and cried as he held Eren close,as if Eren was his own child. The man's snot clung to the ruined shirt but Eren didn't care. He couldn't bring himself to.

Suddenly there were hands on his back and Eren found himself being lead away by Levi. The man still just sat there, sobbing and hiccuping in the growing twilight, pieces of Eren's shirt still in his hands.

Levi brought Eren to Mikasa and Armin who instantly sheathed their swords to put one of Eren's arms over their shoulders. Eren was more than willing to dangle between them.

"Take him back to the cart." Captain Levi said before turning around and going back to Petra's father, who was crying her name up into the sky.

The crowd parted for the trio as they set back to the parade of wagons and horses. Some of the Regiment were still there and as soon as Eren was back in the cart they came over with first aid supplies and tried to fix up their comrade.

Mikasa climbed back into the cart with him and Armin stood on the side, looking in on his hurt best friend. He reach out to grab hold of Eren's hand but stopped when he realized he didn't have them anymore. Eren also realized this and remembered what the Female Titan did. She focused on healing only one body part and it came back faster.

Attempting it now, Eren's green eyes flashed as they stared at the missing body part. Titan steam slowly rose up and curled around in the darkening sky, Eren's hand completely hidden from view.

Armin came closer and whispered, "don't exhaust yourself."

Eren nodded but kept staring at his left hand until the limp slowly appeared out of the fog. Eren raised it to his face and turned it over to make sure everything was there. Mikasa's own hand curled around Eren's right bicep and he gave he a small, broken smile. Be reached out to Armin and gripped the blonde hand tightly.

They waited like that until the healing crew went away and Captain Levi returned to the front of the cart. Slowly the parade started up again with Levi leading the horses ahead of them. Armin jumped in the cart, not letting go of his friends newly healed hand.

Eren was tempted to ask Levi what happened but thought better of it when he saw the Captain's ridged posture. He could still hear Petra's father though, crying out into the dark sky and to the emptying street. Eren sighed and lowered his head.

"um, excuse me?"

Eren's head jerked up at the nervous voice. Mikasa and Armin were already looking over at the two children jogging to keep up with the wagon. Eren had seen these kids on the way in. A little girl with an older boy who both looked so excited to see the Scouting Regiment return to the walls. Eren felt his heart being pulled toward the happy duo, remembering when he was like that nearly 5 years ago.

The little boy held out something in his hand and looked at Eren expectedly. Eren made some sort of noise between a gasp and a grunt of pain, not sure what the child was going.

"We found this on the ground and thought you might've wanted it sense they messing up your cool cape." The little girl said as she ran next to her friend. Or maybe her brother.

Surprised beyond belief Eren reached out with his only hand and jumped back when both children gasped.

"Whoa!" The boy said.

"You already have your hand back?! That so cool! You're Eren Jaeger, aren't you?!" The little girl squealed happily.

"Y-yeah, I am." Eren had no idea what he was supposed to do. He was used to the fear he received for being a titan shifter but he was only expecting excitement when it came to Hanji.

"Oh wow!" The girl cried.

"Do you know what this mean?!" The boy said to her. "We just met Eren Jaeger!"

Eren just sat there with his hand half way in the air, not sure what was going on.

"ahhh. . ." Was the only thing that came out of his mouth.

He could see Mikasa smiling and he heard Armin's little laugh and he resisted the urge to glare at his friends for not helping him.

"Oh! Right, here you go." The boy dropped whatever he gave Eren in the titan shifter's hand before both kids stopped running. Eren watched them as they waved and bounced happily as they watched the Regiment marching by.

"What did they give you?" Armin asked.

Wanting to know himself, Eren opened his hand to see a small piece of green cloth resting peacefully in his hand. Eren's stomach dropped as he turned it over to see the Wings Of Freedom looking up at him. They were ripped so that the insignia was perfect and there wasn't even a speck of blood of dust on them.

Eren was surprised when his eyesight became blurry and he felt tears run down his face. He clutched it in his hand and brought it up to his face to hide the tears that were pouring down. Mikasa rubbed his arm and Armin gave him a smile. Eren let out a little gasp as he continued to cry. He didn't know why he was but he couldn't stop. The tears just kept coming.

Looked at the symbol again, Eren cried harder as he watched dark dots form on the cloth.

Levi heard the sobs and turned to see what was going on behind him. He only saw the back of Eren's head, his brown hair shaking with each cry. Grey eyes glanced down and saw the piece of green cloth resting in Eren's only hand. His eyes flashed with the realization. Facing forward again he let the smaller of smiles face his face.

Eren didn't even care that everyone in the Regiment was watching his bawl.

He didn't care that he only had one hand at the moment.

He didn't care that a mob of people nearly beat him to death.

Because Eren was feeling

And for once it wasn't pain.

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**Yeah! There it is. I kinda made myself a little sad writing this and then at the end I was like okay. I feel better. **

**Anyway**

**please review I love reading those and it makes me what to write more stories. **


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